Virgin Males Are the Worst – Date 1

I will have had the chance to go out with 3 relatively normal virgins (including Eye Doctor) in the last 3 months. I have only dated one other virgin in my life, so it’s been a good year so far, sort of.

Catholic men are awful to date. They’re bad in a different way than the regular crop of attractive losers I manage to go out with.

I ran across a profile of a seemingly normal, professional guy on Bumble (don’t judge me). He was an investment banker and nearby. Normally I would’ve been on the fence about swiping right, because he seemed kind of vanilla, except he mentioned he was Christian. We matched and began texting back and forth for a good 24 hours. In our conversations he said a few things that sort of mad me cringe, but I chalked it up to lost in translation. He called me out on “going too far” but asking if he’d be single for 6 months after gleaning some info off his Instagram. He also said after learning about my love for pets “Let me be clear, if we were to to hit it off and get married (whoa, chill man) our house would not be a zoo.” Ok, both somewhat orange flags in the way he felt it appropriate to dictate to or call me out on things before we even met.

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After more chatting, it turned out we both worked for the same company at one point, and were even working out of the same office, despite the fact he now lives in Chicago (the problem with people traveling and Bumble matching base on current location, not home location). It also turned out he was a devout practicing, conservative Catholic who was waiting until marriage to have sex. Wow. This guy’s appeal skyrocketed. He travels back and forth to Boston from Chicago every other week, so we agreed to meet up the following weekend.

After waiting around a Starbucks for 5 hours, he texted to let me know his delayed plane finally landed. I agreed to meet him at the hotel where he was staying and walk across the street for dinner. By that time, it was late and I was already somewhat disinterested. However he insisted on dinner, so we went to a very expensive steakhouse where he proceeded to order a 3 course meal. We chatted and came to realize that we had much in common: from politics to religion, and a general world view. I didn’t find myself attracted to him though, even though he was a decent looking guy. I left the date thinking, If he asks me out again, I’ll go.

The next day I was busy with work and not exactly enamored with the idea of dating this virgin after our date. I didn’t hear from him until that night when he sent me a text saying, “You’ve been quiet all day…”

What the hell? We went on one date. He never set up a second date. But he’s expecting me to be clambering at the chance to communicate immediately? I replied saying, “I could say the same about you” which quickly escalated the conversation to a roundabout argument. He finally said, “Let’s agree not to be petty.”

Excuse you?

Forget it. I know this type. I’ve dated him before. He’s self righteous and thinks way too highly of himself. He believes just because he’s making good money and has his spiritual life together, he’s some huge catch. To him I say: “Look, I know that your virginity is gift to your future wife, but it’s not a prize I have to earn.” He’s the type that never would fight for a relationship. He’s the type who believes that things should be 50/50, not putting in 100% and doing whatever it takes. The sheer fact he didn’t feel it necessary to pursue me after one date, and I instead should be falling all over him, says enough. Big whoop. You took me on one date, which, by the way, I realize you paid for on your company credit card.

 

 

 

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My Heart Hurts

I guess it all seemed too good to be true. But way does it have to be that way? Should I just not get my hopes up when it comes to finding a guy that is actually everything I ever wanted?

Several weeks went by and I still hadn’t heard from Eye Doctor. What I didn’t mention in my last post, was in that time that he was supposed to be out of country, I actually sent him a brief email saying hello. But he never replied. Annoyed by this and not hearing from him even after he was supposed to return home, I sent him what I thought would be my last ditch effort text, basically asking him if he didn’t have any interest in getting together again he could let me know. But I didn’t hear from him then either. So I gave up. A few days later I went out on a Bumble date.

The date was ok. He was actually really cute, but I could tell it wasn’t going to be a connection. We went out for drinks after eats on a Friday night. At one point he went to the bathroom and quickly checked my phone. Of course, there is was, an email response from Eye Doctor.

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Well that’s awful. Considering his family is in another country (and not the one he initially traveled to), it makes sense why I hadn’t heard from him. I emailed back right away, but unfortunately this the only communication I’ve received from him. Not sure how to take it all.

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Not So Sky High

Yesterday I sat in the airport terminal watching life pass me by: all the couples hand-in-hand heading out on vacation, new mothers struggling to carry loads of baby gear, married business men making their way home to their wives. I spent half the day hopping from one airport to another to make my way home from a work trip. I was in a miserable mood, I should have heard from Eye Doctor by now.

When I finally got to Boston, it was 1:30am. I was exhausted, not from traveling, so much as it was from worrying and disappointment. I went in to the bathroom as I waited for my bus to show up. It was empty. I didn’t really have to go, I just had to get away from so many strangers. I stood there staring at myself in the mirror for a good minute. I looked like hell.

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It was no surprise I hadn’t heard from him, I hardly have, and he was on a two-week trip out of the country himself. But he was supposed to be returning home Thursday. He was supposed to call me to set up a “night date” right when he got back. I incessantly checked my phone and email like a crazy person all day Friday. I don’t understand why if he was interested, he couldn’t at least send a little note saying, “Hey, I haven’t forgotten about you.” Maybe he’s just not that in to me. Maybe he’s still not over his ex. Maybe he extended his trip since he delayed his departure. I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of worrying, of trying, of caring, of hoping, of praying. I’m tired of being tired of not yet finding love.

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Too Good to Be True

It’s been about a month since my first date with Eye Doctor. He drove almost an hour to come see me again today for a lunch date. Because I am jaded and suspect the worst in all men, I started thinking of all the reasons why he would do something like that: He must have a live-in girlfriend…maybe the girl he’s dating gets out of work late so he can only see me during the day…But the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was literally the first day both us have been in the same state since our last date. He took the opportunity to see me as soon as possible, and took the effort to come see me. Maybe his motives weren’t manipulative at all. Maybe he actually is a nice guy!

We sat down across the table from one another and he wasted no time telling me how beautiful I looked. We spent almost three hours at that table talking about everything from our families to the Catholic church to elephants. He wasn’t shy about straight up asking me about how I felt about sex before marriage. That was a little soon for me, but better now than later. So I told him I practice chastity and was waiting until my wedding night, in order to prove to my husband I will always be faithful and I always have been, even before knowing him – my standard speech. Instead of him saying he “respects me” and goes on to challenge my lifestyle, he didn’t. Instead, I got a response like I’ve never heard before.

He indicated he felt the same way and has very similar and traditional values. He’s only dated 3 people in his life. He shared with me the challenges he had in his most significant relationship because he wouldn’t have sex with his girlfriend of 8 years. They eventually broke up over it. He is a virgin too!

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He talked about how he believes life begins at conception, and he is a “pro life doctor.” He talked about how there are “other methods” to birth control other than the pill. I was astounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This guy is 100% on the same page spiritually and morally as I am. He is attractive. He is smart. He is Catholic. He and I share dozen of the same hobbies and interests. This seems way too good to be true. Please pinch me.

He leaves in 24 hours to Europe to visit family for two weeks. He told me the exact date he’d be back and said he’d like to see me again and go on “night date” the day after he gets home. This guy isn’t a player. He’s not seeing other girls. As he said, “there’s no rush.” I can’t argue with him there. For two people who believe in chastity, half the fun in dating is the slow and intimate process of getting to know one another.

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Playing Too Hard to Get

I finally couldn’t take it anymore and sent Eye Doctor a text. I figured he’d lost interest after 4-5 days, so what did I have to lose? One last ditch effort couldn’t hurt. I simply texted and asked if he changed his mind about wanting to get together again. I didn’t hear from him until almost 8 hours later.

His finally replied, “To be honest with you I actually thought that you were no longer interested. I remember saying that I really liked you but had no response back.”

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So much for playing hard to get. I had actually replied with a smiley face, but I guess he took that as a non-answer. So I responded that was far from the truth and things get misinterpreted on technology. I then followed up to say I was still “very interested.” He went on to send me a picture of the mountain he climbed that day (ok, excuse for not replying is accepted). He then said, “So you liked me? Yes or no?”

Wow! Talk about bold. I haven’t figured out if this is a translation/language issue or not yet. But the conversation went on to him saying he wished he was in town so he could see me on New Years Eve, and talked about how maybe we could go skiing together “in the future.” Hopefully I’m able to see him again this week; I have a lot of questions.

 

 

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Impatiently Waiting

When I looked through the glass of the coffee shop door, I could see his legs under the table: blue jeans and black boots. His frame and face were obscured partially. That had to be him. I took a breath, mustered up my confidence and swung open the door. He immediately stood up and when I saw his face I became nervously excited. He wasn’t exactly what I expected, he was hotter. He immediately greeted me with a hug and walked me right up to the counter to order me a coffee.

We sat down across the tiny table from on another and our eyes met. He took me in for a moment, not breaking eye contact and without saying a word. I smiled and bashfully looked away. The mutual attraction between us was undeniable. He was a lot more attractive than I suspected he would be. I got a feeling he would be somewhat stuffy considering he’s a doctor, but he was quite sexy in a tight fitting black polo shirt that showed off his biceps. Not to mention the Spanish accent.

We began small talk about the coffee shop, where we both lived and how long it took to get to the designated meeting spot. After five minutes he paused and looked at me again, “You are really very beautiful.” Oh those Latin guys, how I so badly want to believe them.

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Six months prior (around the time Army Officer and I began talking), I came across Eye Doctor’s profile on a Catholic dating site. We exchanged “winks” for several months, but never communicated because neither of us was a paying member. Last month I finally bucked up and paid $30 so I could send him a message with my number. Two weeks ago, he reached out and set up a date almost immediately, then drove over an hour to take me out for coffee.

We spent two and a half hours in that coffee shop, discussing not just the small things, but deep things about faith, love and life. He asked if he could see me again the following week. He announced he couldn’t wait to tell his priest friend that he had met me. After we parted ways, our text conversation went like this:

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He texted me later that evening with a link to a love song from a romantic movie he liked. I did the same in return and he talked about the type of love his wishes to find. That night he texted, “I like you. I wish you a good night.” I waited a day and decided to text him a “Merry Christmas” wish to which he replied. He was traveling out of town for the weekend, so I didn’t expect to hear from him.

If I could put all the things I am looking for in to one person, he fits the bill: and attractive, confident and romantic Latin guy, fit, smart, enjoys dancing and traveling and is a practicing Catholic. On top of that, he is local! It’s now been four days since we last communicated. He indicated he wanted to get together this week, but I haven’t heard from him. My phone hasn’t left my side and I’m growing impatient. More than anything else, I’m beginning to feel waves of disappointment. What is true love suppose to look like anyway? Will it ever happen for me?

 

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The Post-Breakup Breakup

“I want to die” was the next message Army Officer sent me when I didn’t respond the day earlier. He was beginning to scare me.

I made a huge mistake. A few weeks ago, he convinced me that going to Miami for New Years Eve would be fun, as well as a means to spend time together to see if we could reconcile. I had been spending a lot of time with Dance Instructor, and while I don’t necessarily see a future with him, the thought of being stuck in Miami with Army Officer, instead of spending the night dancing with him and my friends made me instantaneously regret my decision.

I took the opportunity to ask Dance Instructor where he saw us going. We had been spending every weekend together, having a lot of fun and growing closer. He indicated he liked me, but didn’t want to pursue anything right now. So I reaffirmed my decision to got to Miami.

But then later that weekend I ran in to Guido. He coincidently had a connection to an ex-girlfriend of Army Officer. He warned me to be careful of him and that he is not an honest guy. He also hinted at the notion that he was not faithful to this ex. This set my head spinning and again questioning if I should even consider giving him another chance at all.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there would truly be no way of getting back what Army Officer. I didn’t want to commit to pursuing a questionable relationship with someone halfway across the country, in the Army and divorced anyway! I was a few days too late to cancel the airline tickets without penalties, but realized if I went with him and then told him we weren’t getting back together it would be so much worse.

He called me early in the morning on his way to work and began talking about booking hotels. My heart sank. I had to do it. I told him we needed to cancel the trip and that we wouldn’t be getting back together. He was so upset I could hear his voice cracking on the other end of the line. I told him again the it was mostly because of the trust and distance, but he didn’t believe me and suspected another guy. I told him he was wrong and I had to go.

He texted me for the next 24 hours, first that he was sick and crying at work. When I didn’t reply, he texted the next morning, “I want to die,” which of course terrified me. All this was coming from a guy who I dated for 3 months, who never even told me he loved me…I reached out to his sister instead of replying and asked her to check on him. Instead of an understanding response, she reprimanded me for the “stunt” I pulled with Miami. I was livid.

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He continued texting. His messages ranged to begging, to photos of us together smiling, to angry. Christmas Eve, I got a late night text accusing Guido of being the catalyst to our break up. I have no idea how he possibly found out we spoke, or we even knew each other. But he made a threatening comment about him being a “dead man” in addition to passing to blame to me for “making a mistake”in not getting back together that set me off. I finally broke my text silence by laying down the hammer. I told him he was the one to blame for the break up and breaking my trust. I told him to stop passing the blame to others, but if he must, he should speak to his sister for ratting him out about the post-breakup dating. I said I was done and to not contact me again.

Christmas Day, of course he texted once again wishing me a good day and apologizing for his actions. This time, it was tequilas fault for the previous night’s angry and threatening text. I didn’t reply. I am officially done.

 

 

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Holiday Apologies

Several weeks go by and Army Officer sporadically reaches out with a text message or phone call, generally about nothing. He still doesn’t know what he wants, but what I know is I’m not interested in being strung along. I eventually tell him he needs to stop contacting me and his final message was, “But I miss you.”

A week goes by with no word from him, until a bouquet of flowers arrives at the house with the note, “I’m sorry. I miss you. I hope I can see you when I am home for Thanksgiving.” I ignore it.

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The Sunday before Thanksgiving he showed up at my door with flowers in hand. It was awkward seeing him. I felt dead when I saw him; not happiness, not angry, not sadness, just empty. We drove to a restaurant to get lunch late afternoon. We small talked the whole way there, but I was impatiently waiting for him to talk about something of substance. I wanted answers.

After sitting down at the table and placing our order, he opened the discussion. He said that he “fucked up” and made a mistake in breaking up with me and that I was likely right about him not being able to feel like he was falling in love with me because we didn’t have sex. He was confusing feelings of love (or lack there of) with lust and endorphins.

Without much other discussion he announced that he wanted to get back together with me. I told him that up until that very moment, I didn’t even know he wanted that and that I would have to think about it. I explained the trust that I had in him was gone because of his actions. I also expressed that I didn’t really feel like he loved me, and more than anything, that is what I want. On top of all that, the concerns I had with him to begin with: the previous marriage, the Army, the long distance, all rose to the top of my mind during those weeks apart in order to help my get over him when he walked away. All of those things which weren’t concerns when I trusted him were now issues. All the while we were having this discussion, he seemed very upset, and I of course was as well. But that didn’t stop the waitress from constantly checking in on us and interrupting, making the whole conversation exponentially more awkward than it already was.

Aside from all of the concerns I shared, I told him that the chastity discrepancies were still a huge issue. He said he was more understanding and praying about it, but after grilling him some more, I’m not so sure I was convinced.

I agreed to meet up with him again the following day for dinner out. I took the night to think about things, and to convince myself to at least entertain the idea of forgiving him. I mean, it’s not like he cheated on me or did anything really terrible. He just freaked out and dumped me. I spent the next afternoon getting ready for him to pick me up. I decided I would not be angry or ream him out like I did the day before, I would go, have fun and see if there was a way to reconcile. That is, until his sister texted me an hour before he was to pick me up. She is a big believer in chastity and was pissed when he dumped me. So she reached out and shared some thoughts on where his head was at. She also revealed that he had been seriously seeing another girl shortly after we broke up, right up until that weekend, as far as she was aware. I was fuming.

We spent dinner that night discussing chastity again, until I asked how his dating life was going. When I called him out, he turned green. He brushed it off, saying that he had gone out a little but nothing serious (which I didn’t believe). Here I am thinking that he’s spending these weeks apart in prayer, pining over me and realizing he lost the love of his life. When in reality, he was messing around with other girls.

He left to go home a few days later. He was adamant we get back together, promising to fly me out to see him; asking me to spend New Years with him. But I’m just as confused as ever. Partly because I’m angry with him and don’t trust him. Partly because I’ve started seeing other people.

 

 

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The Digital Dump

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” he said while looking right in to the computer screen on our Skype session. He looked like he could puke on key keyboard. I paused, looked around, and stared back at the screen. I waited for the punch line. This wasn’t funny.

“I’m just not falling in love with you.”

It was like taking a full on punch to the stomach. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. 24 hours prior, Army Officer and I were kissing goodbye in the airport after an amazing Caribbean vacation together. We had only been dating three months, how could he possibly know that?

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He went on to talk about how wonderful, fun and beautiful I am. I cut him off and told him I didn’t need to hear anything else. If he wasn’t in love with me, I had nothing else to say and I was going to go.

I spent the next week being angry. I cried only once. I don’t think it was even over the loss of him, but it was over the loss of what I though we could have had, and the gut wrenching reality of having to go back in to the dating pool. We didn’t communicate at all for a week, but I finally decided to eventually send him a lengthy email. I called him out on his decision to abruptly end our seemingly amazing relationship. The only thing we struggled with was chastity, and I knew that was the reason he called things off. I was really disappointed that he wasn’t capable of admitting that.

A week later we finally talked on the phone. He said he may have made a mistake in breaking things off, but wasn’t sure. He needed time to figure things out, including the chastity thing. He indicated that he needed to take a break from dating and focus on himself. He still wanted to “communicate” as friends, but I wasn’t interested in being strung along.

So I began to move on. A week later, I found myself being kissed in the front seat of my car parked in a dim parking lot after a night of salsa dancing. A guy I’d known through dancing finally made his move. And so that was that: I was rebounding.  I was a free agent. Now this guy wasn’t someone I’d normally be attracted to, but dance does funny things to a person. Things like making poor decisions.

 

 

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50 Shades of Gray Area

For most of my adult life, I have prayed for my husband. I have prayed for him: for his happiness, for his faith in God, for his protection, and for him to be living a life preparing for us to be together. I also pray to God on a regular basis to finally find him.

I have spent many nights while in past relationships praying for clarity around that boyfriend’s role in my life, and if we were meant to be together. Most of these relationships I’ve struggled with trust, with attraction and chastity. I’ve also realized the majority of my struggles with chastity in the past have come from the guy pressuring me to “do more” even if it wasn’t specifically intercourse. Every time I gave a little more of myself to a guy, I had an immediate immense amount of guilt. I spent many nights crying and questioning God if I really had to choose between Him and my boyfriend. The answer was always, “Yes.” I shouldn’t have to choose between the two. My partner should be leading me to God, not away from Him.

I’ve also prayed for clear signs to know if these boyfriends were the “one.”  The answer to the question was never answered however. It wasn’t until long after the relationship was over, I was able to see God’s answer in hindsight.

This past Sunday evening, I attended Mass with Army Officer. His simple presence with me during such a special part of my life was comforting. For much of the afternoon I questioned whether or not I should receive communion. I ultimately decided to receive, but still wonder if it was the right decision ultimately. Is sensuality and even “pushing the boundaries” really a mortal sin worthy of eternal damnation? I know intercourse is. I believe oral sex is as well. But what about everything else? I question the “gray areas” of intimacy. I know what the Church teaches. My heart and soul know what is good and true and what is right. But my mind and body say, “You’re 30, you can be intimate, just don’t give it up.” But continuing to push the boundary only makes things more difficult. We’ve barely started dating and are already struggling. We have a strong physical connection, in addition to everything else, so relegating our adult relationship to simple hand-holding and peck-like kisses in the name of not going down the slippery slope seems like some impractical Duggar-like sideshow courtship.

While Army Officer deeply respects my decision to be chaste, and even says he wants this for himself, it has not been easy with him. He struggles with lust a lot more than I do. Despite the fact that our relationship is so new, I believe we both feel a deep rooted connection that has been developing slowly over the last year. Our intense attraction to one another is based on a deep emotional and spiritual connection, as well as a physical one. I know this because I wasn’t even attracted to him on our first date almost a year ago. I trust and respect him, and I believe he feels the same.

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That evening I sat in Mass, holding his hand. I glanced over at him to see his head bowed and eyes closed, deep in prayer. I studied his face. Despite still being a relatively young man, the creases on his face reveal the stress of war and the struggles of past lost love. He is a seious but has a good heart, a warm smile and a soft touch. I smile to myself and bow my head in prayer. For the first time in a long time, I once again ask God, “Is this this one?”

“Of course he is…you know this. Don’t be ridiculous,” was not the answer I was expecting to hear, but it’s the one I got.

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