50 Shades of Gray Area

For most of my adult life, I have prayed for my husband. I have prayed for him: for his happiness, for his faith in God, for his protection, and for him to be living a life preparing for us to be together. I also pray to God on a regular basis to finally find him.

I have spent many nights while in past relationships praying for clarity around that boyfriend’s role in my life, and if we were meant to be together. Most of these relationships I’ve struggled with trust, with attraction and chastity. I’ve also realized the majority of my struggles with chastity in the past have come from the guy pressuring me to “do more” even if it wasn’t specifically intercourse. Every time I gave a little more of myself to a guy, I had an immediate immense amount of guilt. I spent many nights crying and questioning God if I really had to choose between Him and my boyfriend. The answer was always, “Yes.” I shouldn’t have to choose between the two. My partner should be leading me to God, not away from Him.

I’ve also prayed for clear signs to know if these boyfriends were the “one.”  The answer to the question was never answered however. It wasn’t until long after the relationship was over, I was able to see God’s answer in hindsight.

This past Sunday evening, I attended Mass with Army Officer. His simple presence with me during such a special part of my life was comforting. For much of the afternoon I questioned whether or not I should receive communion. I ultimately decided to receive, but still wonder if it was the right decision ultimately. Is sensuality and even “pushing the boundaries” really a mortal sin worthy of eternal damnation? I know intercourse is. I believe oral sex is as well. But what about everything else? I question the “gray areas” of intimacy. I know what the Church teaches. My heart and soul know what is good and true and what is right. But my mind and body say, “You’re 30, you can be intimate, just don’t give it up.” But continuing to push the boundary only makes things more difficult. We’ve barely started dating and are already struggling. We have a strong physical connection, in addition to everything else, so relegating our adult relationship to simple hand-holding and peck-like kisses in the name of not going down the slippery slope seems like some impractical Duggar-like sideshow courtship.

While Army Officer deeply respects my decision to be chaste, and even says he wants this for himself, it has not been easy with him. He struggles with lust a lot more than I do. Despite the fact that our relationship is so new, I believe we both feel a deep rooted connection that has been developing slowly over the last year. Our intense attraction to one another is based on a deep emotional and spiritual connection, as well as a physical one. I know this because I wasn’t even attracted to him on our first date almost a year ago. I trust and respect him, and I believe he feels the same.

That evening I sat in Mass, holding his hand. I glanced over at him to see his head bowed and eyes closed, deep in prayer. I studied his face. Despite still being a relatively young man, the creases on his face reveal the stress of war and the struggles of past lost love. He is a seious but has a good heart, a warm smile and a soft touch. I smile to myself and bow my head in prayer. For the first time in a long time, I once again ask God, “Is this this one?”

“Of course he is…you know this. Don’t be ridiculous,” was not the answer I was expecting to hear, but it’s the one I got.